Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
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“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
describing stardew valley
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer