The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
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[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*