Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
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Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god