My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
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[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?