My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
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I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.