In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
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My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
We found love in a hopeless place.
the last thing a carrot sees
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”