I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
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We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?