when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
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[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor