Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
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impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.