Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
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waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Order here:
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Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!