Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
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[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them