GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
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Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES