Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
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WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
My neck my back my allergy attack
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it