Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
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Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.