Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
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I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Husband of the year 😂
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.