Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
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Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage