Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
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My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar