I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
You Might Also Like
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up