TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
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It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
me as a parent
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.