A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
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I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside