religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
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you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
This is hilarious….
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*