People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
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What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Seek kebab; not attention
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
My Guy
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be