doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
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Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Very problematic
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.