I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
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When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
That’s what I call a flat tire