Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
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Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*