Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
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It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
New Tinder profile.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT