The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
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IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
I am, perchance
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me: