In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
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Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Netflix and you sit over there.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
#CoronaOutbreak
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.