My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
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going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.