It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
You Might Also Like
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.