My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
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Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Growing out my freckles.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine