Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
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Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Yup
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space