living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
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Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
can’t talk my ride’s here
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?