[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
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My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Last-minute gift idea!
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.