Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
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SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.