The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
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Hey i am sexy to you now
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Happy thanksgiving
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.