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As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.