Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
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When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
this could fix me
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.