Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
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[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Stop sending me this shit.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
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ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that