[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
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*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.