Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
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[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
real
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”