waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
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I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
finally
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers