BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
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You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Yup
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.