Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
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Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones