My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
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You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Art by Pastelkatto
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa