Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
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An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Going to church you guys need anything
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
2 years later
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou