ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
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Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
it must be school picture day
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.