[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
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Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
This headline is a thing of beauty
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?