The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
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unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.