If only.
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Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.